Escape the Heat at Disney world

The most famous theme parks in Orlando can get downright uncomfortable when the summer heat couples with the intense humidity. Fortunately, as a veteran of Texas summers, I’ve learned a thing or two about beating the heat – mostly by avoiding it entirely, because I’m a soft, soft man. 

Despite the fact that everybody tells you to drink a lot of water on your trip, you can’t slosh around the park indefinitely like a sentient water balloon. So, do what I do – hide in air conditioning’s cool embrace like a good heliophobe. Toughing out the heat is for cacti, and you’re smarter than a cactus, aren’t you? Of course you are!

So, because desert plants can’t read, here are some excellent places to sit down and cool off under large vents blasting frosty air, based on how long you want to evade the heat. I left out anything shorter than 7 minutes, and rides that go bump, because I relax better when I’m mostly stationary, like a sloth. My commentary has been added for your eye-rolling pleasure.

Quick Breaks - About 10 Minutes

Magic Kingdom:

• Haunted Mansion - 7-minutes of darkness and ghosts after the 3 min intro my wife hates. It’s scary.

• The Pirates of the Caribbean - 9-minutes plus a nice, cool indoor queue.

• The Enchanted Tiki Room – it will take less than 11-minutes to sing with the birds. It’s OK – everybody does.

• Mickey's Philharmagic 3D - 11-minutes of one of my family’s absolute favorites, and generally short lines.

• It’s a Small World - 11 minutes, but do not bring a softball under any circumstances.

• Monster's Inc Laugh Floor - 12 minutes, and be That Guy at the risk of a sizeable churro purchase.

• Under the Sea - Journey of the Little Mermaid - 7-minutes of it being better down where it’s wetter. Also cooler. Mostly cooler.
  

EPCOT:

• Turtle Talk with Crush – if you can go the entire 12 minutes without laughing you are clearly a robot. Must do! The whole Seas with Nemo and Friends pavilion provides a welcome respite from the heat of the day.

• O Canada Circle-Vision movie in the Canadian Pavilion and Reflections of China Circle-Vision movie in the China Pavilion- The good news is that these 14-minute movies are inside and are visually impressive. The bad news is that you have to stand for the duration of the movies.

Disney's Hollywood Studios:

• Lightning McQueen’s Racing Academy - this 10-minute show is a minor attraction geared to younger kids but it offers some very welcome AC in a very hot area of the park.

Animal Kingdom:

• It’s Tough to be a Bug – an 8 minute show with lots of crawly effects. AC + heebie jeebies.

It’s Really Hot – I Need About 15 Minutes

Magic Kingdom:

• The Country Bear Jamboree – 15 minutes of classic, corn-fed air-conditioning.

•  Enchanted Tales with Belle – a sweet 15 minute story time, and little kids can volunteer.

EPCOT:

•  Spaceship Earth - my personal favorite 16 minutes at any park. I salute thee, geodesic ball!

•  Impressions de France – an 18 minute film, and comfortable as a wine cellar. This film alternates with the Beauty and the Beast Sing-Along (15-minutes) which is offered at throughout the day at the same location.

• Disney & Pixar Short Film Festival - 18 marvelous minutes of Disney and Pixar cartoons in 3D.

Hollywood Studios:

•  Voyage of the Little Mermaid (currently unavailable) – a visually stunning 17-minute show, in cool, comfy seats. Yes, please.

Major Breaks - About 20 Minutes

Magic Kingdom:

• Hall of Presidents - 23-minutes of glorious, air-conditioned Morgan Freeman. It’s a win-win!

• Carousel of Progress - 22-minutes to not think about the film “A Christmas Story”. Still fun.    

EPCOT:

• Living with the Land - A 20-minute boat ride through the four working greenhouses of the Land pavilion. Watching plants grow isn’t as exciting as Test Track but it provides an interesting break from the heat.

• The American Adventure – about 45 minutes overall, it’s a patriotic, heavy-duty break from the heat.

Hollywood Studios:

• Beauty and the Beast Live on Stage – about 25 minutes of eye-popping costumes & fun performers

• Disney Junior Live on Stage – 22 minutes for the wee ones

• For the First Time in Forever: A Frozen Sing-Along Celebration - get the Readers Digest condensed version of the Frozen story and sing your heart out to “Let It Go”. Duration: 30 blessedly air conditioned moments with seating!

• Muppet Vision 3D – almost 37-minutes of Muppets being a lot funnier as an adult.

Animal Kingdom:

• Festival of the Lion King – a 30 minute, Broadway-grade musical.

• Finding Nemo: The Big Blue…and Beyond! This is a really sweet 25.minute show that tells Nemo’s story from the perspective of the fish in the dentist office.